INT. DOLPHIN STADIUM – NIGHT

The Indianapolis Colts are reveling in their Super Bowl victory.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Congratulations to the 2007 Super Bowl winners the Indianapolis Colts!
What are you going to do now?

PLAYER

I’m gonna go get arrested!

Cut to:

The headline of a story in yesterday’s Indianapolis Star that reads: Another Colt runs afoul of law.

Indianapolis Colts defensive lineman Darrell Reid became the fourth player from the Super Bowl champions to be arrested this year when he was booked Saturday on three charges stemming from marijuana possession in his hometown of Freehold, N.J. Dominic Rhodes, Dexter Reid and DeDe Dorsey have also made the police blotter since Jan. 3.

Darrell Reid, 24, was charged with possession of less than 50 grams of marijuana, obstruction of the administration of law and possession of a controlled dangerous substance in a motor vehicle, according to the Asbury Park Press.

Anyone who knows me probably knows my stance on this country’s asinine, outdated drug policy. Especially towards marijuana. (Did I mention that it’s less harmful to society than alcohol and tobacco?) But I think this story is interesting for a couple of reason. First, I have no idea why professional athletes continue to drive around with their weed. What is the thought process behind this?

“Let’s see. I’m a 24 year old black male driving around the suburbs in an expensive automobile. The odds of me being pulled over by the cops just aren’t high enough. Let’s see if I can get a strong marijuana smell emanating from the vehicle too!”

I’d like to take this opportunity to give Darrell, Dominic, Dexter and DeDe three pieces of unsolicited advice. (Random black conspiracy theory: They’ve already destroyed all the black men in American who’s first names start with the letters A-C.) This advice applies to everybody, but it seems that athletes fall into these pitfalls so damned easily. I’m just speaking as a 34-year-old man and long time sports fan. I’ve seen this shit before. We all have. Here goes:

1. Until you put a ring on her finger, you put a condom on your dick. I don’t think I need to say anything further about that.

2. Don’t spend your money on stupid shit. Why put twelve extra diamonds in a Rolex? Watch VH1’s Behind the Music: MC Hammer religiously. Study it. Learn the signs of over-consumption. (First sign. Anything gold plated…probably a little extravagant.)

3. If you think your night is going to get a little crazy…do it at home. Strippers and blow? Not a problem. Cognac, weed and ’round the way girls more your thing? Who’s gonna know? Everybody check their digital cameras at the door and let’s get freaky!

If you want to smoke out, I’m certainly not going to be the man to tell you not to. But do that shit AT HOME.

The irony of this story is that the Colts’ head coach, Tony Dungy is what scientists refer to as a Jesus Freak. The post-game interview he did after his groundbreaking Super Bowl win sounded more like Bible study. What’s that you say? Tony Dungy’s own personal beliefs are none of my business? Why bash him for it? Well, once you start aligning yourself with right-wing religious groups and speaking out against the freedoms of American citizens, I have to call bull and shit.

Dungy was also one of the main people with his panties in a bunch over the whole Terrell Owens Monday Night Football scandal.

Yes. The site of a white woman’s bare shoulders was simply too much for Tony and a lot of Americans to take. Here’s what he said about it:

I thought it was uncalled for. I thought it was in really bad taste and just, I don’t know that there’s any way you can defend it. I thought it hit at a lot of stereotypes towards athletes, black athletes in particular. I thought it was very insensitive on the heels of the Kobe Bryant situation.

Here’s what I always picture when I see that quote:

Won’t someone please think of the children!